I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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