i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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