sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
