Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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