Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
