I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
