Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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