Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
