I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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