shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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