I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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