I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You took a bar mat shot.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
