I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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