you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
