2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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