pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
