just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
ttyl tear gas
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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