do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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