You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
