Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
