I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
