tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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