Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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