The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
