im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
