his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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