I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
