i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
