i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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