your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
