the condom got lost in my hair
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
