were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
