i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
