I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
