First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
