Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
