just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Be still, my beating vagina.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
