Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
