gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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