It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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