I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
