lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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