i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
