I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
