Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
