im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
