Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
