Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
