Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
