I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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