operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
