you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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