Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
